Wow! So this is a big one and I’m going to candidly capture that journey in this moment as freestyle☺ Greenleaf was totally mind blowing to me. Debilitating. I think I walked out the 4 months proceeding Greenleaf in this fog or haze. I got up in the mornings; got my sons ready for daycare; got myself ready for work; dropped my sons off at daycare, picked them up from daycare; cooked, cleaned, bathed little stinky boy bodies; and, repeat all of this daily in this robotic fashion. I look back on the distant drives from Lodebar to home and feel as though my little Beamer surely was operating on autopilot – lol.

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There was just so much! So much everything! Pain, agony, dismay, betrayal, anger, shame, unbelief (not disbelief). The cascade of emotions jilted out of trauma. Wow! Yet I somehow managed to maintain the journaling that had commenced in Greenleaf. I stayed true to capture my truth in writing, as I oftentimes needed that silent reminder that I was, indeed, okay. And it was my assailant that felt threaten by my mere existence. It was a must that I held fast to truth. It mattered not the opinions or thoughts of those nasty naysayers. I held to truth.

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And with every journal entry, I heard the Lord command, “You must.” It was ever so simple yet ever so boisterous. I’d prayed and cried, prayed and cried. Then tossed in some pleading here and there; yet, God’s voice was steady...”You must.” I didn’t have to inquire as to what His words meant...I already knew. When He’d met me in Greenleaf, His commandment to me was not only to survive to tell my story, but to thrive in the face of what the enemy had intended to totally destroy me...to kill me...to take me completely out. Oh how I wanted to fade away...evaporate.

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So after years of fighting with God [I know right, completely stupid], I sat staring at the “Notes” section of my iPhone – the place where 91% of White Socks lived. I pined over what to do...be obedient or simply pretend God’s message was unclear – lol. Nevertheless, I think you see how the rest of this story ended as White Socks is no longer just in my iPhone. 100% of it is now accessible, in print, to the world.

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I didn’t knowingly choose my fate. But had I played a part in its birth?? Of course. My refusal to think...my refusal to listen...my refusal to own the moments God had spoken into my soul graciously fed my demise. My grandmother had assured me God gives us the desires of our heart...even if those desires do not align with His story for our lives. So, in line with what a loving parent does, God gave me the desire of my heart, ever how evanescent that desire would prove itself to be. 

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But ohhh how I love how sufficient His grace is and how unshakeable His mercies are. So much so that when the desires of our heart equate to our very own detriment, God is resolute enough to command even satan himself to stand down. Man! I just love how bad ass He is! That lone desire would prove to unfold my greatest victory, as I am all that I am – in spite of. My story was not put in print to be a bestseller. Not even so to surmount to some sort of international level. My story is my story. My truth. My pain and the passion of my process. And yet, a story shared by so many women and men I’ve come to know as they have read my story and found the strength to openly share their ah-ha moment with me.

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To answer the question, I will end by saying this. My inspiration, challenges, memorable experiences are all convoluted in this single event that defined my entire life! I am an avid follower of Pastor Dr. Dharius Daniels Ministries. One day while listening to his message on YouTube, I heard Dr. Daniels say, and I’m paraphrasing here, the two most important days of your life are the day that you’re born and the day you discover why [your purpose]. My childhood was overall okay but filled with so much trauma. I’d often asked God why. Why me? Why my parents? Why so much shit? I honestly didn’t and still don’t have a better word for it. But as God knows the very count of hairs on my body, He surely knows the expletives replete in my core. Now, I get it.

 

My life has been challenging...all of it. My grandmother. Man. She was more than my inspiration. She was my everything! But all of these truths come together in this incredible life gumbo, one that had surreptitiously prepared me for the most memorable experience of my life. 

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So to the person reading this, here’s what I wish to share with you. Don’t discredit your thoughts...your gut feelings about a person or situation. Don’t lose ground wondering what people might say, think, or do in response to your gut feelings, sound thoughts. To hell with that! One-way trip! Too many lives are destroyed by silence. Too many children are left to grow up in the resonance of such silent shadows. Allow your thoughts and gut feelings a little latitude to breathe, an opportunity to be shared with someone else [i.e., a therapist or likewise professional] that can shed insight into the very meaning of your ah-ha moment. Show Up! God has already handled everything else. xoxo - Kemberley